Slaying the demons — Kaye Mueller

Apr 11

Apr 11 Slaying the demons

My first panic attack shook me to the core. The fear of that attack triggered more attacks. I couldn’t eat, my hands shook, my heart hammered, my guts twisted, I couldn’t breathe. I thought I had some terrible disease and was going to die.

I’d moved to Germany ten months earlier to marry Wilfried. We hardly knew each other, but we were very much in love. I was convinced I could cope with a foreign culture and lifestyle. Without even knowing the language I threw myself into translation work! And I was determined to be the “perfect” wife, capable and strong, funny and charming. It was exciting.

My facade cracked. How dare my tremulous heart let me down! How weak! How shameful! I kept the extent of my suffering hidden (bad idea), but my mum guessed. She sent me a book that helped me understand what was happening: Self Help for the Nerves written by the life-saving Dr Claire Weekes. Her core message: face, accept, float, let time pass.

... afraid of smog/war/germs/overcooked cauliflower

Fear, worry, anxiety, dread. These emotions weren’t new to me: As a kid I was anxious. Although my childhood years were sheltered and idyllic, I was scared ... of getting sick, of what people thought, that something horrible would happen to my parents or siblings, most of all I was worried that I’d die before I’d even had the chance to live. I was afraid of smog/war/germs/overcooked cauliflower. Heck, after watching Hogan’s Heroes on TV, I even worried that the Germans would invade New Zealand! I made a plan to hide under the hedge for the duration (that’s where Wilfried found me).

Paradoxically, I had an immense appetite for adventure and play. Left with a girded front, a slightly scarred heart and a tendency to spinelessness after marrying my first beau at 20 and divorcing at 26, I headed to Australia to explore who I was and wanted I wanted from my life.

To face my fear of heights, I worked as a bungee jumping operator

A potent cocktail of fear and adrenaline

There, I threw myself into an adrenaline-drenched life. Doors would open, I’d charge through with a kind of blind faith that everything would be just dandy. I had many jobs over the years ... teacher, secretary, personnel consultant, bungee jumping operator, flight attendant, Greenpeace fundraiser and activist. I tried aerobatics, triathlons, exploring the world on a bike. Life was exhilarating.

Sure, by seeking out energetic and emotional highs I kept myself distracted, but my old nemeses lurked in the shadows, waiting to ambush me. I guess by the time I married Wilfried and moved to a different culture and continent, the potent cocktail of fear and adrenaline proved too much for my poor old nervous system.

So, after almost 13 years in Germany and with my heart aching for the familiar comforts of home, Wilfried and I moved back to New Zealand with our two young kids.

Deep self-care work

It was time I did some serious deep self-care work. I applied the possibility/probability rule (what are the chances?), created a journal with quotes and images that gave me comfort, support and hope. I read uplifting books about life and death and faith and love. Rather than push myself to prove my staunchness, I sought out things that delighted me: ocean swimming, meditation, seminars, laughter, workshops, counselling (not so delightful), retreats and yoga teacher training.

Doing the hard yards

I also had to do the hard yards like dismantling the blockades around my heart (a brick wall, moat, barbed wire wrapped in a wild tangle of blackberry bushes). I’m working on reinforcing my spine (eight limbs of yoga) and trying to be wild and brave (speaking my truth). I make myself walk into the fire again and again and sit in the discomfort instead of hiding, running away, cowering or freezing like a deer in the headlights.

Guess what? After nearly 60 years, it’s working.

So take heart, my darlings. Worrying about the future causes unnecessary suffering, dwelling on the past perpetuates yucky stuff. Face those demons, accept life’s peaks and valleys, rest your weary head, allow time to pass... and remember: it’s not going to kill you – the cauliflower might though (gag).